Police.uk

Are you absolutely terrified about crime in your local area? Well, you should be. The feral gangs, the shiv-wielding maniacs, the brutal uncivilised uneducated youth of this great land are putting the fear of Google into law-abiding subjects, who want nothing more than to pay their taxes and vote off contestants on reality television programmes in the comfort of their bank-owned lounges. Well, relax, help is at hand. The kind Government has spent more of your money on making you safe and secure in your home. Log on to Police.uk and with the power of modern technology, you can find out just how afraid you should be. 

So how does it work? It's really very simple, even someone living in abject terror could do it. Just log on to the website, input your postcode and be stunned by the world of startling local crime facts that greets you. As the website puts it: "Enter your postcode, town, village or street into the search box … and get instant access to street-level crime maps and data, as well as details of your local policing team and beat meetings."

We tried this and nothing happened. It is only to be assumed that organised criminals have already infiltrated the site and undermined it from within, or startled subjects around the land are asking for crime statistics in their millions and the system cannot cope with the demand. The worry now, is that while we are all furiously trying to log on, we won't notice that the front door has been kicked in and the contents of our homes are in the process of being removed. Who will rescue us?