Girls and Periods

My daughter is 12 - how can I prepare her for her periods starting, and is it safe to use tampons immediately so she doesn't have to miss swimming at school? H. Taylor, Cardiff

It depends on whether you ask because menstruation is now imminent, or because you couldn't face talking about it until now. If the latter, part of your task will be damage control. It's too late to spring this major aspect of being female on a girl. If you have any other daughters, start mentioning it in a casual way while they're still little, when the fact that women bleed will seem less interesting than that caterpillars turn into butterflies.

Some of your daughter’s friends may have started to menstruate, and your daughter will have garnered facts, both true and false. She will have decoded your silence to mean that this monumental event is not safe to discuss with you. Is she right? The way you convey the information will help shape her attitude to her body and her sexuality. A healthy sexuality is vital because it underlies our whole interaction with love and life. Many mothers feel embarrassed and awkward about discussing this. I recommend a book called The Wise Wound by Penelope Shuttle, (Boyar, paperback ed, 1999) which not only gives a positive view of the female cycle, but also outlines the disturbing impact a negative one has on women.

Pre-menstrual tension, for instance, has proved markedly worse in those who resent having periods. You want to make this transition from little girl to teenager, happy and proud; you want her to feel good about her maturing body, and, most important, you'd like her to feel free and safe in discussing sex with you. So try to see where your difficulty arises. Thanks to the media, discussing bodily functions is far less taboo, so it could be easier than you think. See if your local library has videos for teenagers about puberty – and get them to order one if they haven't. Watch it with her so you can discuss it. And give your daughter a book on menstruation - they mention things you might not think of, and make the subject impersonal. I particularly recommend The Period Book by Karen Gravelle (Piatkus, 1997).

However, don't be tempted to thrust it in your daughter's hands and leave it at that. She needs to feel free to ask you things she is afraid to ask friends in case they laugh. She needs your reassurance, your experience. She may fear pain. She may have heard derogatory remarks about `that time of the month', and be worried that hormones will change her basic personality. That myth is an important one to tackle because it gives rise to the most negativity.

On a practical level your daughter will want to know about her choices regarding pads, tampons and so on. She'll need a small bag to carry protection with her. As regards tampons, yes they are safe to wear right away. But the choice should be entirely hers; girls are intensely private about their bodies and she may not feel ready to explore tampons until she's got used to having a period at all.

Do what you can to support her in a practical way by placing a covered bin beside the loo, for example. Small details could set her mind at rest. Also emphasise that having her period doesn't mean she's now a woman - she should still feel free to be a little girl whenever she feels like it. At my daughter's school a teacher gave a series of informal `Girls' talks' which were deeply appreciated. It took the subject out of the private arena, and freed them to talk amongst themselves. You could suggest this at your daughter's school. If nothing else the girls need to know who to go to in an emergency such as a blood-stained uniform; and where to get pads. Similarly, if you are divorced and your daughter visits her father regularly, discuss what she should do if her period starts there.

Menstruation symbolises so much - womanhood, in all its mystery and strength; sexuality; power, and yet supreme vulnerability. As with all change there may be sadness at leaving some things behind, such as the careless innocence of childhood. Yet when you understand how much you are gaining, the loss is not so bad. Her cycle will give her the inestimable privilege of being able to bear a child, a miracle we often take for granted.